You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Buhtt sex?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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