all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
