I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
