I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Can I color on your dick again?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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