I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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