Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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