the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
