Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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