I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
