can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
