Having a random hookup so left but love u
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize