Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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