My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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