we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
