walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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