smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize