Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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