What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
