Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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