if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
we're so committed to being not committed
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