New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize