Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
