mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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