It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
