so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
