i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
