don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
