Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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