i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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