her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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