Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
