I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
