dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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