He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
