So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
