I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
