If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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