i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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