my sisters under your porch take her home
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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