Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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