my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
