She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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