Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
