So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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