Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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