I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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