I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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