I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wanna passion pit in your ass
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
