Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
