Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
is that a dick in a sweater?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
