my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
