Ketchup is God's man juice
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
