i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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