I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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