Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
