I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
